by Vernon Brown The Dunbar Shade Tree Phd.
As we age, many conversations remain unspoken—quiet corners of the human experience that go overlooked, misunderstood, or worse, ignored entirely.
One of the most significant among them is the changing nature of intimacy and sexuality in older adulthood. It is a subject both deeply personal and profoundly universal, as nearly all couples—at some point—encounter the gradual shift from intercourse-centered sex to a more expansive, affectionate, and creative form of lovemaking commonly referred to as “outercourse.” This is a subject that needs to be discussed delicately, because most people simply ignore it. Moreover most men are in denial that they are no longer the stud muffin they once were.
There is no shame in acknowledging that as we age, our bodies change. Men go from having a six pack, to a four pack, to a one pack or even a keg for a stomach. Additionally, most women are the victim of the force of gravity. Our desires evolve, and so do the ways we connect physically with our partners. Far from signaling the end of eroticism, these changes can instead mark the beginning of something deeper, more nuanced, and surprisingly fulfilling.
One study, in alignment with decades of earlier research, has reinforced what many older adults have long known: sex remains an important part of life well into our later years. Contrary to outdated cultural narratives that portray older people as asexual or uninterested, the truth is far more vibrant. The desire for closeness, sensuality, and even passion does not simply fade away with age—it merely transforms.
However, the reality for most couples is that the role of intercourse within their sex lives often begins to diminish, especially beyond the age of 60 or 70. This transition is not a failure, nor is it a lack of love. It is a natural progression informed by both physical and emotional shifts.
There are two primary physiological reasons that intercourse tends to become less central in older couples’ sexual relationships. For men, the most common challenge is erectile dysfunction or erection difficulty. The inability to reliably maintain an erection can be frustrating, disheartening, and in many cases, deeply tied to a man’s sense of identity or worth. These feelings, while understandable, can inhibit intimacy and create unnecessary pressure in the bedroom.
For women, the shift is often due to postmenopausal changes in the body. Vaginal dryness, thinning of the vaginal walls (atrophy), and increased sensitivity can make intercourse uncomfortable or even painful. While lubricants and hormone therapies offer some relief, many women find that intercourse is simply not enjoyable anymore—and that’s okay.
As a result, many older adults—sometimes reluctantly at first—begin to move away from intercourse. But this shift, rather than signaling the end of their sexual lives, can open the door to a whole new world of physical connection: outercourse.
Outercourse is a term that captures the full breadth of non-penetrative sexual activities. It includes kissing, hugging, touching, mutual massage, oral sex, manual stimulation, erotic play, and long cuddling sessions. It can mean a shared bath, lying naked together while stroking and caressing, or simply falling asleep skin-to-skin. These acts, often dismissed or overlooked in our younger years as “foreplay,” can become central to our expression of intimacy.
Older adults who embrace outercourse often find themselves reconnecting with their partners in beautiful, unexpected ways. When the goal is no longer focused on performance or penetration, the pressure fades. The room is made for slow, tender, mindful connection. There is more time to explore, more attention paid to sensation and emotion, and more opportunities for meaningful communication.
That said, the transition isn’t always easy. Especially for men, there can be a psychological barrier to overcome. For decades, society has taught us that “real sex” equals intercourse and orgasm. Anything else is secondary, incomplete, or even failure. These cultural scripts are deeply embedded, and undoing them requires patience, vulnerability, and open dialogue.
Many older men struggle with the idea that their sexuality might need to adapt. They may feel ashamed of needing assistance to get or maintain an erection, or discouraged by the fact that their partner no longer enjoys intercourse. Some feel lost without intercourse as the focal point of intimacy. These emotions are valid, but they don’t have to define the rest of a couple’s romantic life.
Sex therapists and intimacy coaches nearly unanimously encourage older couples to embrace this shift. They know that letting go of rigid definitions of sex can actually be liberating. They remind us that sex is not a race to orgasm or a checklist of acts, but a conversation between bodies—a way to say, “I see you, I cherish you, I want to feel close to you.”
The English Longitudinal Study of Ageing (ELSA) backs this up. In this large-scale survey, most older adults—well into their 60s, 70s, and even 80s—reported that regular lovemaking, with or without intercourse, played a significant role in their overall happiness and relationship satisfaction. While the frequency and type of sexual activity varied, the desire for physical intimacy remained strong.
What was most telling in the findings was that those who had embraced forms of intimacy beyond intercourse reported the highest levels of fulfillment. They were more likely to describe their sexual experiences as loving, relaxing, and emotionally connected. These couples weren’t clinging to the past—they were redefining their future.
And that’s what outercourse offers: a chance to rewrite the script. A new chapter where intimacy is not about chasing lost youth, but about deepening love in the here and now. It is a quiet revolution, one unfolding in bedrooms across the world—not just among older adults, but increasingly among people of all ages who are seeking richer, more meaningful connections.
For couples who are navigating this transition, communication is key. Talk honestly about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what you miss. Share your fears and fantasies. Laugh together. Be gentle—with yourself and with each other. Exploring new ways of connecting doesn’t need to be awkward or clinical. It can be playful, sacred, exciting, and fun.
Use your hands, your breath, your voice. Try massaging each other with oils. Take time to explore each other’s skin, not rushing toward any particular goal. Discover how sensual a simple kiss can be when it’s given time to bloom. Lie together and let your bodies speak their own language—sometimes that language is whisper-soft and slow, other times bold and spontaneous.
And don’t be afraid to seek support. A skilled sex therapist can be invaluable in helping couples navigate these transitions. They can offer techniques, tools, and emotional guidance that can make all the difference. Therapy isn’t only for times of crisis—it’s also for times of growth.
It’s important, too, to reflect on what intimacy means in the broadest sense. Physical touch is powerful, but emotional connection is just as vital. Holding hands while watching a movie, cooking a meal together, giving each other a meaningful compliment—these are also acts of intimacy. The more we expand our definition of what it means to be close, the richer our relationships become.
In conclusion, the shift from intercourse to outercourse is not a loss—it’s a transition. And for many couples, it’s a deeply rewarding one. It asks us to shed old expectations, to be vulnerable, and to explore the kind of love that only years of shared life can create. Intimacy in later life is not about what we can’t do anymore; it’s about discovering what we still can, and often with greater depth and clarity than ever before.
We owe it to ourselves and each other to continue cultivating love, touch, and pleasure—not in spite of age, but because of the wisdom and tenderness that age brings. Whether you’re in your 60s, 70s, 80s, or beyond, your erotic life still matters. Your body is still worthy of pleasure. And your heart still longs to be held—not just metaphorically, but literally.
Here’s to honoring the beautiful truth that loving touch, in all its forms, is timeless.
